22/05. I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart <3

Following a tear-jerking phone conversation with my mum for almost 2 hours today discussing how heart-breaking the recent attack in Manchester was, we had a heart to heart like no other. We discussed being safe (whether that is even attainable anymore), and an attempt to try to take precautions to avoid the monsters of the world. It was a difficult conversation to navigate, because the thing about terror attacks, is there really is no such thing as safe. We can all either live the next few days, weeks, months and years of our lives avoiding every music event, public train and bus, airport and shopping centre, or proceed to live life as normal.
It begs the question; how do we continue? Do we give in to the terror in the quest of protecting ourselves as best we can or is it beyond any control in even minimising the chances? Without knowing where, when or what to avoid how do we even know which direction to look in?

The scary thing about these attacks is that because these monsters believe their Satanic acts are a ‘just’ terror (e.g. In their eyes pay-back and justified), will there ever be an end to it? When does the critical alert phase end and the safe zone start? Or does this now continue for years until enough unassuming innocent blood has been shed that the monsters return to where they belong in the depths of hell. 

There are no words for the act that happened on that fatal evening. The faces of the victims are planted firmly in my head and my thoughts all day long, even on the other side of the world, it is never far from my mind. So close to home and so close to so many I love, it wanted to create terror, and it has. People are terrified, and with good reason. Near or far, the grief from the act has spread like wild-fire and as a nation we have come together stronger than a bee colony (long live the Manchester bee). There are so many broken hearts that will never recover, and for what? Children with bright futures ahead of them that we will never see, daughters that will never feel the kiss of their mothers lips, lovers that have lost the person that makes it all worthwhile and friends without their favourite shoulders to laugh or cry on.

It isn’t fair. The entire thing can only be summed up as a tragedy. An unfair loss of the people of a community that make it what it is. It isn’t just those with loved ones lost that will feel the consequences, everyone single person that was at the concert will be haunted by ‘what if’s’ for the rest of their life. The only thing we can do, as members of the public to support anyone involved or affected, is offer everything we possibly can as humans. The very and only thing that makes us human and triumphs over anything else, and that is love. Hate has never been one to beat hate, love is the only thing that beats hate, period. All people affected will think they have lost the ability to feel love, so it needs to surge into their lives like a candle in a dark room. It will not light the whole room up at first, but knowing it’s there will provide at the very least, comfort.

How we all choose to live our lives in response to the terror is subjective. Some people will live so cautiously they give up planned events just in case, some carry on in the thinking you cannot be cautious against terror like this. It is beyond unpredictable and there is no right or wrong answer, you can only do what you feel is right and as long as you feel it, you are doing what’s right for you.

My mum told me she would feel selfish if anything were ever to happen to her and she was away with her friends and not with her family. The thought of her being the victim to an attack wasn’t what scared her, but the thing that terrified her is the devastation that it would (quite rightly) cause to our family if she were to leave us, knowing she is the rock and glue that ties us all together so effortlessly, (like a true blessing from an angel). She worried not for herself but more for the grief it would leave behind were anything to happen to her (This is the kind of selfless saint she is and not an easy conversation to have with the person who has done everything for me without bursting into tears). 

Why would I want to even think about this harrowing topic, to ever imagine a life without the woman that gave it to me? The truth is, I can’t imagine it nor do I ever want to. And I hope, pray and wish that we have a long and lasting life together until I can do for her in her old age what she has always done for me. But maybe in a time like this it isn’t such a bad thing to approach the ‘Voldemort’ topic of death. To acknowledge in our hearts our loved ones not being with us one day, and discuss it with them, not to be morbid but for the exact opposite reason, for acknowledgement and appreciation. 

To all of those that didn’t get to say their final goodbyes to their loved ones, to the mums and dads having to bury their children, the lovers burying lovers, the children burying parents, and friends burying friends, and lastly to all the people I love, this blog is for you. 

If I die before my time, for that I am as sorry as you are that we will not be together in body anymore. Know that every tear you shed I cry with you, but I cry for both of us, whereas you just cry for me. Please know that a love like ours is a double ended sword, our adjoined hearts will forever bleed the same wound, but do not cry for me forever, for then I will always have to cry for you. Even if I was taken from this world unlawfully, know that I have found peace now, and I want you to find peace too. Know that my life and death have been a better place, because you were in it. Know that whenever and wherever I go, you were with me as you always have been. You may not have me in presence but you will always have me in your heart, as I will always carry you in mine. I will carry you as proudly in my soul as you carry me proudly in your present life. Whatever you feel, I feel, my love. Please do not carry hatred and sorrow forever, or I will carry it with you. Do not feel as if I died without you, or without your love, your love is the reason I will live through you and will continue to forever. Do not think of all the words you didn’t or could’ve said to me, think of all the love you have always showed me. Do not think of any fights or harsh words ever said, they always come back to love, and I have always known how much you love me. Do not give up your life, because I have lost mine. I will live through you forever, so please do it for the both of us. Whenever you feel sad or alone, or as if I am no longer there, know that I am always with you, as you carry me forever in your heart. You carry me in your heart and I will carry you. Try and smile again for me one day, so I can smile back down at you. Do not hate the world for my loss, for then I have to hate it too. Carry in your heart the peace you wish upon me, and I will help you feel it too. Know that I will love you forever, my heart, my soul, my everything, lives through you. I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart ❀️ 

1 thought on “22/05. I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart <3”

  1. Thanks for your post, Sophie. You express yourself very well. I agree totally with you about terrorists and their insane actions that target innocent people. Ultimately, they only win if we allow them to, if we curtail what we would normally do (such as exploring this incredible world), or If our governments use their attacks as an excuse to limit our freedoms and increase their control and power over us. Yes we need to grieve for those who have been lost, and support their loved ones who are still alive. And we also need to continue to track down those who use terror, as well as act on correcting the problems that allow them to fester. We also need to use a bit of caution in our travels, maybe not go some places. But that has always been true. May you and your mom share many happy years together. –Curt

    Liked by 1 person

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